Another monday. I work every day this week, it’s going to be very longgggg. Calvin and I have been talking a lot. I’ve been drawing a lot. I still love Daniel. How can that be? It’s really strange, as if I love him with an entirely different part of me. I want to be with him always, but I want to live now! Life is so stupid and weird. I can’t wait until I’m comfortable. Will I ever be?
I’m very sad. I did not want to be this way. I did not want this to be another book of horrors. I want to be well and to understand myself and the world around me. But it seems so impossible, so far out of my reach, like smoke I can see it in front of me but I can’t hold onto it or keep it for any time at all. I’m trying to change my thoughts and how to get from one thought to another in a better way, but it’s so hard… anyway… I talked to Calvin for a very long time last night. It’s funny, because I’ve hated him so much for so long, but now I sort of like him in a way that I shouldn’t. It’s confusing, because I still love Daniel in a way that I can’t explain. It’s somewhere between dependence and laziness. No, that’s not right. He makes me feel happy and safe and when we’re together, everything is ok. On top of that, I miss Dee a lot. I debate whether or not to talk to him every day. I should stop overthinking my feelings so much.
I have become overcome with darkness. I can’t really describe it, but I’m at the worst I’ve been in a very long time and I’m not sure what to do. I can’t really get a grip on what’s real and what isn’t. Everything just feels like a lie. I don’t know what to do. I’ve become a major burden to Daniel, I guess he’s the only one I vent to… it’s hard to explain but when I feel these things my mind immediately concludes that I’m making it all up– that it’s all fake and fabricated for my own benefit. I’m hoping that I always just jump to the worst conclusions, and that it’s not true. I don’t want to be evil. I worry that there is something inside me that’s beginning to fill all the empty spaces, and I feel like a helpless little child. I don’t want those voices to be mine. I can’t even believe that these words are flowing out of this pen, what’s wrong with me? And to think how small I really am– it feels like this darkness envelops the whole universe, it seems so much bigger than me, and yet it’s just in myself, a storm in my tiny heart.
I’ve been thinking so much about the past and the future. So many things have left me. There are so many beautiful moments and people and chapters that have been a part of me that are so far behind me. So buried in time. We are at Starbucks doing school stuff but I hardly have anything to do (we means Celeste and Sara and I). Had my first day of A’cappella and the retreat is coming up. We leave in less than a week. I’m so excited! We’re going to San Diego for our trip this year. SAN DIEGO! This year is going to be a good one!
School has started and I hate it so very much. Daniel lied to me about kissing a girl named Alexa while we were broken up and it makes me really sad. I hate being lied to, especially when someone I’ve trusted so much lies to me. It just makes me so sad.
Summer is nearly over. It sort of makes me want to [redacted]. When summer closes early, when the sun sets too soon.
Celeste and I just broke through something. We have so much darkness inside of us. Everything that you have ever been afraid of is just a projection of what’s inside of yourself.
To swim in the lake alone… never alone. To swim in the lake where you grew up, to swim naked in your home with your very best friends. Your soul-mated women with blonde, brown hair that falls to soft shoulders, eyes of green, eyes of blue. The moonlight wraps around you, wraps you up in her moon arms, kisses you with her lips. I can feel her eyelashes along the sand, I can feel her light in the waves. The waves. I remember them with my eyes closed. I remember it all. I accept because I can now.
I want to put together my smashed UV bottle and fill it up with moonlight. It won’t ever be empty and I can drink it whenever. It never gives me the spins. All that’s left is peacefulness. All that’s left is growing, growing, gone. I understand now. Maybe this time I really do understand something.
It’s time for a new chapter in my life, this past year has been rough, the roughest yet. However, I can feel that maybe my life will turn itself around. It’s the tail end of summer, it’s still warm and everything has a golden glow that’s different than hot July. It’s as if the largest star in our solar system knows what’s going on down here on Earth and prepares to shift golden with the leaves.
I’m glad for a new start. I feel like many things in my life are beginning. Maybe the sun is rising this time, instead of setting. I haven’t woken up in so long. I hope this optimism doesn’t fade, although I know it will at times. I’m entering my second to last year of school, damn near close to the bonafide end of my childhood. It’s such a strange feeling, letting go of everything for something that everyone seems to hate [adulthood]. I wish I had the choice to stay. I hope that I spend more of my life outside. I don’t like the indoors, it doesn’t seem human enough. I want to be happier so badly. I want a dog and a cat. I want a family and I want to go to college far away. I want money. There are so many things. I want most to be at peace. I am on my way.
Wow I am stoned right now. Life has been nice. Two weeks ago I lost my virginity to Daniel. It seems sudden, but seeing him at Parker’s cabin, it felt like nothing had changed. It was so wonderful, we both kind of acted as though we had seen each other the day before. We came back and he stayed in Duluth for 2 days. We got to spend time just the two of us and run around with friends too, like old times. He actually drank with me and got significantly drunk, it really was a blast. He played loud music and ate like five popsicles in a row. The next day Parker made brownies and he ate four and got sick. It was ok though. I ended up impulsively buying a bus ticket and going back with him. We spent 4 days there and it felt like old times. We really are back together.
I need to stop caring what other people think of me. It doesn’t matter much at all yet it takes up so much of my mind. I need to do some growing.
Sometimes I recall the strange and unusual life I lead, lost somewhere in between, a place so neutral that nothing is noticed about the tone of my life. Rich or poor? Loved or neglected? Captured or free? Perhaps this is where my indifference comes from. I’m obviously very stoned right now. I actually feel kind of happy. I’m whitening my teeth in preparation for Parker’s cabin, I don’t care that it sounds strange. Damn my mouth is dry. I wish I could split my heart in half and spend the night with myself. I can feel the moon above me, though.