I feel strange tonight. I’m laying here on my bed, and the window is open, and even now I can’t write more than a few words down at a time because of this restlessness. Maybe it’s the night air, or maybe there’s just the full moon getting inside me, it’s making my skin crawl and my heart pound. I’m watching the screen of a dusty CD player flash ‘no disk, no disk’ and the incense above it is giving off smoke that is calmly ascending through the window. And yet, here I am, am I really losing my cool? I’m not sure where to turn for release, which must come soon. Is it burning and caustic? Is it warm and passionate? It’s hard to say when both have a place in me. I can’t be sure. I need to create something, or get this out, or anything, I need to escape my mind and see it mapped out in front of me. I should be doing chemistry homework. Have I given up? What’s wrong with me!! Or is it right??
If I could say just one thing, I don’t know what it would be. It would be simple.
So many songs that I wish I had written. So many things I’d wish I’d said, so many things I’d rather be. If I could say one thing, maybe it would be a question. But what could I ask that would be answered honestly?
What about her? She would ask with words by threes and fours, she would say the things that didn’t matter. Those moments in between were what mattered. The spaces and the dot-dot-dot. And maybe she’d love him but she couldn’t for long, and maybe he’d love her but he couldn’t for long, he couldn’t so honestly. And maybe she’ll cry or maybe she’ll fall silent again, drowning in a sea of dot-dot-dot, spaces so long she’ll forget how to speak and she’ll live between lines just like old times. She forgot how to eat again, she forgot how to sleep because silence is so loud these nights. She’d open her mouth to test the waters once again, but she’d betray herself before betraying another. He’d open his to give a long string of I-don’t-know, all that dot-dot-dot, he proves her right once again, once again, once again. But that kiss in the snow. He was tired of waiting. She was tired of everything, save tongue. Even though her hands were full she took the moment in both.
Today was nearly perfect… I had a fairly okay day at school, and no plans. I was walking home when I heard my name, so I turned around and Calvin told me to get my ass in his car. We went to his house and had a little ~cooking party~. He cooked me a steak which I actually hate but it was still nice. We started to watch Garden State but got bored and so we went sledding instead (there is snow now!) and it was great! Then we went back to his house to warm up and we made a blanket fort and snuggled and destroyed it in a tickle fight (as long as he’s touching me…) and then sort of dozed off. He drove me home at ten and as I walked up to my house I heard his car door open and he just ran up and said “Fuck, I’m so tired of waiting” and he kissed me. It was such a good kiss… wow, I almost died, I stood there like an idiot, I could barely say goodbye, oh it was so wonderful. I’m in so much trouble what the fuck.
Calvin spontaneously took me to Cornucopia, WI tonight to show me his cabin. It’s so cute there. We had a fire on the beach, it was so lovely. We sang and smoked Marlboros the whole way there. Then we went and hot-tubbed at Ashley’s house and played the question game. It was so fun.
I guess I really don’t know if it’s for real yet. I have no idea how he really feels. It drives me crazy and makes me want him so much more. Still waiting for him to kiss me. Who knows. I laid in front of Sara’s fireplace all weekend. It was great and much needed.
I remember one day in March. I think I was eleven. I don’t want to think of the year. I made my dad two pies on his birthday. I don’t remember how old he was. They were caramel apple pecan pies. We ate both right that day, the three of us. Jody peeled the apples for me because I was nervous around knives. I don’t have that problem anymore.
You know I wish I could tell you that it’s ok that you didn’t get into NYU. But I guess I would be lying if I said that to you tonight. Not tonight. No, tonight is terrible, tonight is broken glass and loud pillow-yelling and that’s how it is tonight. But the thing is that I can say those same words sometime, I can say ‘It’s okay that you didn’t get accepted to NYU’ and it will be true. I guess that’s all I can give you tonight.
I never, ever know. How is it possible to really be this unsure? About everything? Maybe I’m just a million different people all pressed into one, maybe I’m no one at all.
Maybe everything that I do is driven by the desire to sink into the dark. Maybe my true love is thinking. I think I’m sad all the time because it validates at least something. Because if I were to take all of that away, if I were to shed all my tears so that there were no more, I would be made of nothing. At least I am something on the nights I want to hurt myself. I’m an abandoned house in the woods. It’s so much easier to fill myself up with sadness than it is to accept absence.
DAMN. I had such a perfect weekend. The concert on Friday was so fun. Afterwards, I went to Calvin’s house and we listened to music and talked till 4 am. We did the same last night. We listened to Ella Fitzgerald and drank and laughed and it was so wonderful. I really like him… I haven’t felt alive in so long. I ended up sleeping over last night. He gave me his bed and slept on the floor. I sort of wish he would have slept next to me. He played music while I drifted off on the couch. I’m even lending him my copy of The Elegance of the Hedgehog, which has never been done. I feel so good about all of this, it’s been so beautiful and spontaneous and it feels so right. We have a connection that I can’t really explain I guess. I’m trying not to be afraid.
Well, I am stupid again, I still like Calvin. He likes me, too. We’ve been getting together more, and I think we’re very compatible. We carved pumpkins together on the night before Halloween. They turned out really cute. I want to know about his quirks and unwrap his mind and hear his secrets. I want to feel like a girl.
I’ve become suddenly obsessed with The Shins. I can’t get enough! Tonight is my first a’cappella concert. I’m hanging out with Calvin afterwards.
God am I stupid, Calvin likes some other girl. I should use my head sometime instead of my heart and then maybe I’ll find some balance. Today is a monday, and everything is feeling a little bit stronger and a little bit sweeter. I’m having a glass of merlot to close down this stupid day. When I grow up I want to learn a lot about wine but god if I tried I’d probably miss and just become a drunk instead. I’d love to cook too but I know I’d eat myself to death. If I became an artist I would coax myself into complete isolation, I’d live off saltines and booze. I can see myself now, poor and malnourished, all because I risked a stupid shot at fulfillment, but why? For what? Is there even a chance, or will I find a way to die slowly no matter what my fucking college major is? If I could have a penny for every life wasted searching for something that doesn’t exist, I bet I’d be rich as hell. But even then I’d still draw nooses on my skin, I’d still wake up every morning and curse the sun for rising again. Listen to me, talking like I know something! I’m still simple, god, I’ll always be a baby. What will happen to me when I can no longer dismiss my stupidity for my age? What on earth will I blame? I’ll crumble when it’s really me in the end, it’s going to be me, alone and in a dark room, god I’m scared shitless, I’m terrified but for now I’m young, so it’s okay, it’s okay for now. It’s just, I’m so stressed. I just want to find peace somewhere.
I have to admit (and it’s probably becoming obvious) that I am getting a little bit tipsy. Am I pretty? I can’t tell. I hope that I am, and I hope that I’m the type of pretty that’s a little bit weird, you know? Wow, I’ve written so much tonight! I think maybe Calvin was right, maybe I could be much happier if I let myself be. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were true? If my life’s quality was right there in front of me, mine for the taking. I want to find someone who will teach me something. Please teach me something soon, world!
Ok wow. Yesterday I went on a date with Calvin. It was my first real date, I think, he even picked me up in HIS car! I was really nervous. He picked me up and brought me to this really cool spot in West Duluth where you can see the whole city. It was really beautiful. We stayed for like an hour and a half, and talked the entire time. It wasn’t uncomfortable for even a second. He gets cold very easily. Then we went to Sara’s Table and got coffee. I burned my tongue really bad. He wore glasses and looked nice in them. After that, we walked around in Hartley and got lost in the woods. It was sunset and everything was so beautiful. I had trouble sleeping last night, I couldn’t quiet down my mind. I think he took up every corner of it.