Oh my god, it’s September! All I can hear is that slow slide into winter. I hope it’s kind to me.
I’m seeing Bon Iver in less than a week! I’m so excited. I chatted with some really cool guy from Holland today. Other than that I don’t think I really did anything.
So it looks like I’m going to finish this journal before the first day of school. But the timing is still really close, so it’s fine. Oh dear journal! You’ve been so good to me, always there to listen whenever I needed someone. I’m so glad I chose you at the bookstore so long ago. You’ve been part of a big journey, my first year of high school, I hope you feel as special as you are.
Wow. I can’t believe I’m already in 10th grade. It’s so strange to me.
Don’t read this and feel ashamed of who you used to be. Phases are okay, especially at this age. Don’t ever be ashamed! Travel safely and wish me luck! Sincerely, Rosalie
Last night was cool, went to Lena’s house and smoked hookah or however you spell it.
I’m starting to have bad thoughts again, serious ones. I just don’t think I can do it, I really don’t. The only reason things got any better was that I had someone around who wanted me, truly wanted me and only me as an individual. I belonged right there with someone else. I’ve always wanted to be half of a whole and I finally had it and it went away. I feel like my heart died and I don’t have the motivation for anything anymore. The only things that give me the occasional buzz are stealing things or being around something illegal or new. Other than that, nothing. Everything else just sinks to the bottom of me.
So many people have birthdays today, it’s kind of ridiculous. Bleh, I’m so bored all the time without Daniel around, I miss his silly ways. I just sit on the computer all day and read, and listen to music and get bug bites, which I’ve been getting an annoying amount of lately.
It’s odd that I chose this journal. I can’t see myself picking it out now. Not that I don’t like it, it’s just so different than my usual taste. I’m sure that my taste has changed since I’ve been on tumblr.
I have so many goals for my future. Long term, and short term. I also have goals for my new journal, now that I’ve gotten the hang of it. I suppose I could write them down.
Goals for 10th grade journal:
- Always be honest
- Write like a book when you feel like it [prose]
- Journal in poetry sometimes
- Don’t think about what others would say about it
- Let everything out
- Make lists
- Be consistent
- Be mindful!
I’m back in Duluth now. I’ve been having trouble sleeping these past few nights, it’s very frustrating.
It was a good time with Daniel. It makes me sad knowing that I have no idea when the next time I’ll see him is. Did that sentence make sense? I don’t know.
Yesterday as I was leaving Daniel’s house but as we were walking to the car we decided we wanted to go to the art institute. We all went to MIA and it was great. Daniel had never been there, and he loved it. There was an exhibition on ancient China and he saw an original Van Gogh for the first time.
I got a new journal there. I know that’s sad, but though you’ve been so kind to me, it’s almost the beginning of the school year, and you’re nearly full. I’ve decided to switch journals every time a new school year begins. I decided that in 8th grade I guess. It’s really something to feel proud of. My new journal is canvas. I like it.
Anyways, after MIA we went into Uptown and it was amazing! I went to UO and got a new bralette, scarf, hat, socks, and tights! There was this incredible bookstore down the street, I bought some cute pencils with virtues written small on their sides. After, we got thai food. My mouth is watering just thinking of it. It was tough saying goodbye to Daniel. I think the hardest thing right now is accepting that nothing will ever be the same. And that I loved it so much just the way it was.
I’m finally with him again! I’m at their new house. It’s so beautiful and bright, I’m so happy that they all get to live in such a beautiful house.
I’m writing this in Daniel’s new room. It’s pretty big and it has a bathroom in it and two big windows. It’s in the lower level of the house so no one will bother him. How lovely!
I’m looking out the window. Oak leaves are layered on the flat ground, they look like flattened feet of some absurd animal. There are oak trees edging along the brown fence, waving their silly hands at the sun like a big summertime parade.
Crazy how today would have been my third anniversary with Dee and that I gave his current love interest advice on their relationship? Weird.
Tonight is a bad night. I’m so lonely I can hardly stand it. I just miss Daniel so much. I feel stripped of all my energy. I feel incredibly indifferent. I just want to feel something other than nothing. I can’t even cry anymore. I’m all empty.
Today I went to Big Top with Clara, Mom, Sue, and Jim. It was a tribute to influential women musicians like Joni Mitchell, Carole King, Janis Joplin, etc. Clara is such a good friend.
Daniel has been gone for three days, I think. It’s been shitty. I keep having these urges to turn and tell him about something, but then I remember that he’s gone. I haven’t cried at all since Saturday night, I think that if I were to start I wouldn’t be able to stop.
I spent like 17 hours with Daniel today. It’s our last day together. It was really hard. He came over at like 7 am and hung out in bed with me, and we napped until 10. It was nice. We cooked food and made smoothies and watched part of a movie. Then we went to Shopko and McDonald’s, then back to my house. We snuggled and laughed and went for a walk and bought some drinks from the gas station. When we got back we cried a bit and listened to Califone. Then we sat on the couch and listened to Iron and Wine and I can say honestly that I’ve never cried so hard in front of another person. I can’t remember a time when I’ve cried that hard.
I need to sleep. It pains me to think of how bleak my next entry will be. Sigh.
Holy fuck I’m so drained. I’m going to shut down. Despite the panicked situation, I’m feeling very serene at the moment. Daniel and I cried a lot today. Like we sat on my bed and just cried. Everything is getting so difficult. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need to go to sleep before I start crying again, I simply don’t have the energy.