Wow I am stoned right now. Life has been nice. Two weeks ago I lost my virginity to Daniel. It seems sudden, but seeing him at Parker’s cabin, it felt like nothing had changed. It was so wonderful, we both kind of acted as though we had seen each other the day before. We came back and he stayed in Duluth for 2 days. We got to spend time just the two of us and run around with friends too, like old times. He actually drank with me and got significantly drunk, it really was a blast. He played loud music and ate like five popsicles in a row. The next day Parker made brownies and he ate four and got sick. It was ok though. I ended up impulsively buying a bus ticket and going back with him. We spent 4 days there and it felt like old times. We really are back together.
I need to stop caring what other people think of me. It doesn’t matter much at all yet it takes up so much of my mind. I need to do some growing.
Sometimes I recall the strange and unusual life I lead, lost somewhere in between, a place so neutral that nothing is noticed about the tone of my life. Rich or poor? Loved or neglected? Captured or free? Perhaps this is where my indifference comes from. I’m obviously very stoned right now. I actually feel kind of happy. I’m whitening my teeth in preparation for Parker’s cabin, I don’t care that it sounds strange. Damn my mouth is dry. I wish I could split my heart in half and spend the night with myself. I can feel the moon above me, though.
I have never known a feeling such as the one I’m feeling now. I don’t do anything anymore. By this I mean that no matter what I do I feel exactly the same as the moment before. I wish I would have washed away with the flood. Parker broke up with his girlfriend and I went to his house and we watched the Princess Bride and he laid his head on my shoulder. We smoked and his mom came in. She drove me home. I’m sick of mistakes.
School is so close to being over. Thank god, I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m really sad all the time.
Someday, I want to just leave. This summer, I’m going to take my car and just start driving. I’m going to find some spot up the shore and camp there all alone.
I wish that I was my own person but I’m not. I’m a copy of a copy of a copy. I didn’t even make up that sentence it’s from a movie called fight club that I hated. I’m so unoriginal it hurts. I am everything that people say I am. How has anyone ever loved themself?
It was already two months ago. It feels like it’s been longer.
Jack keeps writing mean things about my appearance on the internet. If he thinks I’m so ugly, then why [redacted].
I saw Dee this weekend. Nothing happened even though I wish something would’ve. He’s far too good of a person to cheat on his girlfriend.
Cotton mouth + white strips = NO
Today was the worst day in a very long time. This morning, I couldn’t get out of bed because I was so consumed with the deepest kind of blues. I couldn’t stop crying. Waking up has always been a tragedy in it’s own right, but today was different. The day at school was hell. Afterwards I had to go to therapy, but when I showed up she wasn’t there. I felt the most intense rage and felt as if I would break something or scream. Then I went to 120 to ask them about my industrial bar and they had to take it out because it was going to tear through my ear. So the only thing I liked about myself is gone. I feel so empty. I have never hated myself as much as I do right now. I’m fucking freaking out right now.
I’ve been out of words ever since. Jack told me that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. I think he’s just spineless. I was fucking worth it.
Truly never good enough. I have never in my fucking life been good enough for anyone. I should really not be sober right now.
I really wasn’t worth it. I know that.
Therapy makes me feel tired. I ate a lot today. Today I realized that I am ashamed of many things. I feel bad that I truly can’t think of things that I’m proud of.
I don’t think there is anything else to say. I’m all out of words.
It’s done. I never want to be there again. I need to stop smoking weed. I don’t think that I really can right now, though. I really feel that I couldn’t. It’s been weeks since I’ve gone a day without smoking. I’m high right now. I don’t know what I did today. I don’t know what I did this week, or last month. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t feel safe anymore. I can’t remember the last time that I did. I want so badly for someone to hold me while I cry. I want to go back to the brink of adolescence. I want to go back to before the medication and the hospital and the manipulation and self-loathing. I am my own remains.
I should ask my mom if we can move away. I can’t do it here. It’s awful, I have corrupted myself. I need the next chapter of my life to come quickly. I wish I could cease to exist until it came. People said to me, “why would you do that? You have such a bright future ahead of you,” but everyone seems to forget the dismal bridge that connects my future and I. The inbetween makes me want to dissolve, to never try at all.
I have accepted the idea that my life has entered a period of waiting. It may be the darkest part of my life. I do not understand it’s darkness yet. I feel as though I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. Summer obviously, but why the fuck should I care? Life is so predictable. I feel as though I have experienced all that this place has to offer, and that everything from now on will be a shadow of those experiences. All of this is flowing out of me so easily.
I don’t want to be fucked up. I want to be light and beautiful and happy. I need to be sober. Truly, this stage of my life requires a clear mind, I am so terribly confused. I want to go to Perpich, Duluth really will not have anything to offer me when my friends move away from home and have new experiences away from here. I need to look into that. I have had enough and it’s time for something new.