Uhm, why am I awake again?!?! Oh my gosh I’m tired beyond belief… I’m not really sure what God wants for me this week. I’m not really fired up yet. I mean last year at Y.A. I was so excited. I guess it’s just been a long year. I don’t really get excited about anything anymore. If this will help me learn and grow and be inspired I guess I’ll just have to be strong for myself and those around me. It might get even worse. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll come to peace with it. This is nothing like I expected.
At evening service nothing really happened. Although Dee had a good one I think. He hugged me and we were both bawling our eyes out. It was nice. He told me we are together for a reason and I agreed. I love him so much. Right now, I really think we’re gonna get married.
This morning we went to camp! We had a slap fight on the bus haha, and now I’m rooming with Nicole and AJ. I like them. And Laura from year one and she’s just as much of a bitch. I think I want to pull a prank.
Anyways, so Randy said today to “use your pain as a diving off point”. Which I really liked because it’s just like my mom said. More to come, I hope.
I decided that I would abandon my feelings for Parker. I’m just (I was) setting myself up for disaster. Parker and I are getting to be better friends, I think. I like it that way. It’s gonna be so fun, Garrett, Parker and I are gonna sneak out. It’s gonna be great! Oh and Celeste and I are getting really close. It’s nice.
Isn’t it weird that I’ve been craving risk? This summer’s gonna be even more fun than the rest. Weed? Well maybe…
Although deep down I have this sickening feeling that I’m losing a part of myself. I’ve just felt so lost lately, spilling my heart over these pages. I’m leaning my trust on Youth Alive (camp), because I’m hoping that maybe will give me some room and inspiration to rebuild myself.
Call me crazy, but I think I’m going crazy. I guess I ought to go to sleep now.
My friends are all really stressed out… Parker is coming over today so things will boil down. He gave me a butterknife. It’s rusty but I like it. Weird.
I wish I wasn’t so sad… Diary, I don’t think I’ve ever written this down, but I think I have depression. Sometimes I wish I were dead. Okay… maybe a lot of the time. I hate myself so much. Oh and Parker hates me too, I can just tell. I wish I was dead. It would be an easy goal to achieve. I can’t wait. Some people think that’s bad but to me dying is just a promise. The world will spit me back out. Fuck everything.
If I let my guard down for 4 seconds I would break down. I fucking hate everything, I hate the way things are.
Do you ever feel like people are just friends with you because they pity you? That’s how I feel now. I feel like the moment I leave the room they’ll consult about how much [sentence ends]
Everytime I speak to Parker I feel like I’m going to puke up my lungs in a bad way. I hate it. But I love spending time with him. It’s probably because I feel like I annoy the fuck out of him. I wish I was dead.
Celeste just asked me to stay over. I said “sure” not wanting to seem too eager. The truth is that I wanted to break down crying, throw myself onto the pile of the only people that I have, and thank her for the invitation.
Why am I such a lie?
As we walked to Parker’s, I found a sprig of lilacs. I brushed them against my lips and inhaled. The water dotted onto my cheek and into my mouth. I love the way the petals fit the curve of my lip so perfectly.
The chemistry I feel toward Parker… I will never be able to change. He hung his arm over the leather chair, and I wanted to take it in my own to see how it feels. Is it warm? Soft? These questions. I could never answer them. It’s just this pull that I can’t help. I torture myself wondering if he feels it too. I doubt it. And I hate how I can’t control it.
Fuck my life. Josh (Dee’s brother) read ALL of Dee’s text messages. That means that he read Dee and I’s… “special” conversation. Which is REALLY bad. I am SO embarrassed I can’t even explain. I’m a little upset with Dee, he really should have watched his phone better. I feel like such a slut. Josh is going to hate me forever.
I guess the best thing is just to let it go, it’s out of my hands now. Breathe. It’s going to be ok… kinda. Boy, am I confused with myself!
I’m so sick of school. I don’t even care how stupid I must look writing in my diary during the math class that I’m failing.