It’s the new year, I guess. The thought of school makes me cringe, I never want to go back. Blehhhhh I hate this shit so much.
I feel bad because that’s the way it always it. I remember when good feelings fell away from me when I was 13, that’s so young to feel so gone. I wish so much that everything could feel kind for a change. This year had taken so much away from me. Slowly and forcefully. Maybe 2012 will feel different but I suppose organizing things by years is stupid.
I just don’t know what’s important. Not even Daniel. Since he moved away it just feels so different. Nothing feels the same.
I feel strange, and confused because I can’t stop thinking about Ella, in a way that is…. Yeah. I’m confused, I think I like girls……………………?
Wow, it’s December! Christmas is very soon. I hope Ted doesn’t give me an advent calendar. I always feel sick with guilt for not using them.
I’m starting piano lessons on Monday, and I am done with Driver’s ed!
I wish I didn’t have to think about things that make me sad, I don’t want to feel sad. But everything floods in all at once.
I’m stuck in a small room most of the time. I’m not really sure how I was born into this and not something different.
I’m thinking of what everyone is doing. Everyone else. Think of all the people sleeping, sweating, screaming. I think of all the people fucking and all the people smoking Camel 99s. Today is someone’s morning after something. Today is the last day of someone’s life, the first of someone else’s. Today someone was murdered. Today someone felt proud of their garden.
Among all of these things, all of these events, the feelings, the sadness and ecstacy, where am I? I want to be part of something, I want my blood to flow fast, I want my boots to pound below me. How could I be at rest when the world never stops, when I know that every second in one hundred thousand different places, I am missing the birth of something? I am missing something life-changing, I am missing something that would break my heart. How can I rest when two people are falling in love and I am not there to describe their faces?
I can’t go to that shit school for two and a half more years. I can’t do it. I’d rather die. But I just have to experience life away from here, I want to get out so badly, I’m so trapped, it’s killing me.
The more I think about it, the sicker it makes me feel. I didn’t sleep at all last night, and when I drifted off even just a little bit I had dreams about hanging out with Ashley and Dee while they were a couple, and what a giant scene I was making, breaking things and screaming and throwing up. I don’t know why I care so much, I feel like I shouldn’t but I do.
Tonight was not good for me. I found out that Ashley has feelings for Dee. I hate her for that.
I saw Daniel this weekend, I’m always so happy after some time with him. He is a very happy part of my life, the happiest! I started driver’s education this week, and I do not like it. It’s two and a half hours long, every day for the rest of the month. I arrive at school in the dark, and leave school in the dark.
I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I can’t remember the last time I had any fun or felt any joy in a social setting.
Here are some nice words from a book about Tibetan Buddhism that my mom’s psycho cousin send us in the mail along with a letter full of scribbles:
Just like a blind man
Discovering jewels in a heap of trash
Likewise by some coincidence
I have found the spirit within me.
It is the supreme elixir
That overcomes the lord of death;
It is the inexhaustible treasure
That eliminates all poverty in the world.
It is the supreme medicine
That cures the world’s disease
It is the evergreen tree that shelters all beings
Wandering tired on the road of life.
It is the universal bridge
That frees being from wretched lives
It is the rising moon of the mind
That dispels the torment of addictions.