December 25, 2009

It’s Christmas Eve.

And I’m losing my mind! Between BOYS. Fucking boys!

Their names are Peter and Dee. Fuck my life.

I’m in love with Isaiah. Well, I love him. And I couldn’t break his heart. But…

Peter is not safe. It would be stupid of me and I think the danger is part of why I’m into it… I know I have a future with Isaiah. And I know he loves me more than anyone else in the world. Bu I can’t live out my whole youth in love with a voice I hear on the phone.

And Peter… He’s such a mystery. It sounds nerdy, but there’s such a curiosity I feel with him. And he lives in Duluth. And he’s daring. And FUN. And he’s got so much depth, and he’s drawing me in. SO WHAT THE FUCK DO I FUCKING DO.

I could do both… never. Oh god. What am I getting myself into?

Wouldn’t it be great if I could put Dee on pause and live my life until it’s meant to be? If I do that, he’ll go and fall in love with someone else and she’ll be his forever. So that’s just not gonna work. Fuck my life!!

I’m so stupid, with all my stupid feelings! Please god, help me. Should I tell Peter? I can’t tell Dee, ESPECIALLY not on Christmas Eve.

If I go through with this, I’m going to ruin him. He loves me so much. And I don’t even know if Peter thinks of me that way. Why am I so fucking crazy?

Plus, Peter is always in the hospital, and he’s depressed, and he lies a lot. But oh my god he’s driving me crazy. What. The. Fuck.

Haha wow.

Peter and I will be friends! THE END!

December 21, 2009

Only two more days until Christmas break. I can’t wait. I’m so so stressed. Sometimes, I wish I could stop… I’m so scared… I don’t think I’m going to make it as a real adult, I’m just so overwhelmed by everything.

On the bright side, I’m getting an iPod Classic for christmas!

OH!! And last night, I found out that the gift Dee got me is from KAY JEWELERS!!!

I just realized something. All this time I felt like I was falling out of love with him, and I just realized… maybe I just don’t want to be in love anymore. Maybe I’m sick of all the emotion. Maybe I just want to stop feeling all together. Maybe I just want everything to end.

December 1, 2009

I hate Tuesdays. They suck. Sorry I haven’t written for a while. It’s been crazy, way too much to write. But I went to the Arnebergs for Thanksgiving. I had cramps at the table, of course.

I just got my paper back from Nicki, who typed it. Oh my god, thank the lord it was only the rough copy.

November 23, 2009

I had the most amazing weekend ever. I guess there’s no better place to start than the beginning. Okay. So, Friday was an early release day, so I found Corinna right away and we ran outside to catch my bus. But as we were about to step on a little girl got hit by a car right in front of us. It was awful, I cried a lot. So then we waited for Corinna’s dad to pick us up, because there was a crumpled up little girl in front of my bus. We got to my house and chilled in the bathroom until my sister picked us up and brought us to the hotel. Corinna and I were definitely the most excited people ever. We got a hotel room all to ourselves. After a while, Clara got to the hotel. Corinna and Clara were friends pretty much immediately. We went in the hot tub for a while, then went back to the room. We laid around and laughed upside down and watched TV. I asked Dee where he was, but he wouldn’t tell me. Then as a joke, he said he was on his way up to the room, which was a lie!! So we watched Jaws while I pissed my pants and finally Dee showed up! It felt so good to be with him again. I can’t even describe it. We finished Jaws and then went to the parade and messed around and laughed and went to Little Angie’s for dinner. It was SO funny. I’m pretty sure Dee doesn’t even consider my friends and I girls anymore, we’re so disgusting!

Seriously, we’re like men. Jenna and Victoria met us a Coldstone, and they came back to the room with us. We watched part of 13 Going on 30. After they left, we decided to go swimming. We were going to go see how many people were in the pool, but Dee didn’t want to, so obviously I stayed in the room while Corinna and Clara went downstairs… haha… we definitely made out. But I had to stop us because Corinna and Clara would have walked in. Then we went swimming, oh my god, I love water. And touching in water… We went back to the room and laid around some more. We went home at midnight.

The next day was just as fun. We got to the hotel and went up to Dee’s room. His mom was gone and I had a room key so I went in and all the lights were off. He was still in bed, so I jumped on him and told him to get up! He wouldn’t so I dragged him out. We went downstairs for breakfast and Dee used a whole bottle of syrup on one waffle, it was SO funny.

November 19, 2009

I failed my math test, big time. I got like… two questions right. Out of 30. And even better, Dee and I got in a big fight last night. He goes to bed at like, nine every night so I told him to stop calling me since we only talk for half an hour every night and he’s still “so exhausted” the next day. And then he got all mad and stuff so I fell asleep and I still haven’t talked to him yet.

November 12, 2009

Oh my gosh, I’m so tired. I was up really late texting Dee 🙂 It was so fun… I should really write down all we said. Cuz we did that thing where we took turns saying what would happen if we were together. We’re so nerdy, but it’s a lot of fun.

November 11, 2009

I have to say, I’m worried about my grades. I just never ever do my homework in math and I can’t pay attention no matter what. I hate it. I’m so bad at everything academic. Whatever. I don’t need it.

The sunrise is amazing today. It’s pink and purple and peach and orange, it’s so gorgeous. Speaking of gorgeous, Dee sent me a picture last night. He has THE most amazing skin ever. I can’t even comprehend how lucky I am. I’m such a wreck.

I hate math class and I hate Caleb. Everybody says that I treat him like shit but the thing is that I don’t try to. Except lately cuz I’m mad at him for a bunch of reasons.

  1. He is ridiculously full of himself.
  2. He thinks I give him dirty looks just because I don’t pee my pants everytime I see him.
  3. He likes all those prissy girls because “they’re always glad to see” him. Well excuse me, Caleb
  4. He thinks that all my actions are about him. They’re NOT.

I’m so sick of everything. I wanna move to Connecticut with Hank 😦

When you multiply or divide a number, you MUST flip the symbol (< , >)

I miss Hank. He was so simple. I miss having friends that don’t act like bitchy girls. I miss how things used to be. And I’m so tired of people looking at the surface and not what’s inside.

I miss having a girl I can talk to. I really would like to be closer with Holly. We were such good friends when we were little and I really need a best friend. But the thing is those words scare me because my heart is still broken from Haley… not that anyone knows that. I can’t lie to myself… I really do miss her, and I hate it. I wish it would just go away. I don’t want her memory anymore. I’m so sick of the way things are and I don’t know how to change them.

November 10, 2009 (new journal)

I bought this at the Minneapolis Institute of Art ten minutes ago. I filled up my old one and lost my new one so I got a newest one and I like it quite well.

I saw an original Van Gogh today. It was amazing! I’m very inspired. It’s even more amazing now that I’ve had time to digest it. Every little glob of paint was his. It could have been from the same tube of oil paint that he to used to attempt suicide with.

I would have been able to see Dee at the sculpture garden, but I didn’t have much time there and we didn’t make contact until I left. But that’s ok, I’ll be with him sometime soon I hope. I miss him a lot. I love him a lot, too. Just so you know. He’s seriously the best thing that’s happened to me, maybe ever. It’s so nice when the whole world can fit in your arms. I feel so safe, even just thinking about him. Love is the greatest feeling in the world. I’m such a sappy hopeless romantic.

Anyways. We also went to the Walker museum of art. It was very nice. There were a lot of mirrors and minimal art. And the walls and benches and everything that wasn’t the art was flawless bleached while. It was very chic.

I’m sorry, I don’t think I can focus anymore. He’s been super sensitive lately. Like, I called him dumb just as a joke and it seems like I really did hurt his feelings. I sent him a picture today.