January 1, 2012

Time is a ticking fuck!!

Last night was super great. Got super twisted with Adam, Jordan, Sara, Celeste, Parker, and Calvin.

I think I’ve been fighting for a long time, afraid of failing, grabbing excuses on the way down. Worked so hard to carve out the spaces, but panic when the spaces begin to fill. Sometimes my bones bend when I look at you. I’m a little rusty. I creak sometimes but I’m doing fine tonight. I must have rearranged my brain with my bedroom last year.

Sometimes, when my watch is on the verge of tears, I get incredibly angry. There is a cliche in my culture that life is short. And my whole life I have dismissed it because it’s so ordinary. Now my age has grown so much since I last thought of it. I had fallen asleep one night when my mom read to me, and when I woke up, I was almost 17 with the mouse heart I had as a child. I just wish that someone had grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me hard and screamed in my face that it will all be over soon. I wish someone had told me how important that was. Now here I am, time being the devil on my back, and the greatest part of my life is almost over. Soon I’ll dissolve into routine, sell my soul to stability.

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