December 4, 2012

Today was the talent show at East. Calvin played first, he opened and the song was written about me (well, parts of it) and it was so great that I almost had a heart attack. He sang that I had passion and a personality and that we could talk forever in front of everyone. The song also said that he found somebody he could love. I was a little embarrassed but in the best way possible. I feel really special tonight. Really really. He kisses me like he means it, like I’m something he is touching for the first time and will never touch again. It’s beautiful, really. Life is really about nothing, but I think that the most I can do is wait for the moments. They will not come if you are searching, your hands and eyes scare them away. But they spring on you at the perfect time, when you’re at peace somewhere else, when you least expect. There I was, in the passenger seat with my shoes on the dashboard and a lit cigarette under my index finger. Neither of us said a word for miles and miles. I really hate to overindulge but it’s so hard not to when days go like this. Live for the moments, die for the spaces inbetween. Maybe I was right, maybe this will be my year for the very first time.

I’ll admit, there is fear inside me that I’ll pace for too long and I’ll look up and find myself in an entirely different place. I’m starting to feel good, but I’m so afraid that I’m going to fuck it up for myself. Remember not to take yourself too seriously, think rationally about the size of your problems.

So whether it be in a field, wearing nothing but sunshine, or on the beach, wearing nothing but moonlight and sand… pure happiness can come at the strangest times. Sometimes it speaks to you through the sounds of melting snow, bursting to life at the slightest suggestion of warmth. In my own experience, happiness has always nicked the edge of my heart at the most perfect times. Once it evaporated from the soil while I laid in the green field on Madeline Island, wearing nothing but sunshine. Once it poured down like heavy rain while I sat on the beach, wearing nothing but moonlight and sand. Tonight, I felt the glow somewhere in the center of me while I sat in the passenger seat with my shoes on the dashboard and a lit cigarette under my index finger. If alone, I think it could have come to me as melancholy, but I think you must have changed it’s color.

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