I have become overcome with darkness. I can’t really describe it, but I’m at the worst I’ve been in a very long time and I’m not sure what to do. I can’t really get a grip on what’s real and what isn’t. Everything just feels like a lie. I don’t know what to do. I’ve become a major burden to Daniel, I guess he’s the only one I vent to… it’s hard to explain but when I feel these things my mind immediately concludes that I’m making it all up– that it’s all fake and fabricated for my own benefit. I’m hoping that I always just jump to the worst conclusions, and that it’s not true. I don’t want to be evil. I worry that there is something inside me that’s beginning to fill all the empty spaces, and I feel like a helpless little child. I don’t want those voices to be mine. I can’t even believe that these words are flowing out of this pen, what’s wrong with me? And to think how small I really am– it feels like this darkness envelops the whole universe, it seems so much bigger than me, and yet it’s just in myself, a storm in my tiny heart.
September 20, 2012
uuggla Uncategorized 1 Minute
- cedar journal
Published by uuggla
Born in 1996 Over the coming months, I'll be publishing several journal entries a day in chronological order. I began journaling in 2007, when I was eleven years old. Even then I wrote as though I were archiving my life, collecting details about my world. As I grew older, journaling became more of a description of my emotional world. I am an aspiring creative nonfiction writer who is producing very little since graduating college this Spring. But with this unusually thorough account of my entire adolescence, I feel as though I have been given a gift that has been under my nose this whole time. This is a practice in forgiveness and vulnerability. It is also a way to laugh at myself. View all posts by uuggla