October 4, 2012

I’m very sad. I did not want to be this way. I did not want this to be another book of horrors. I want to be well and to understand myself and the world around me. But it seems so impossible, so far out of my reach, like smoke I can see it in front of me but I can’t hold onto it or keep it for any time at all. I’m trying to change my thoughts and how to get from one thought to another in a better way, but it’s so hard… anyway… I talked to Calvin for a very long time last night. It’s funny, because I’ve hated him so much for so long, but now I sort of like him in a way that I shouldn’t. It’s confusing, because I still love Daniel in a way that I can’t explain. It’s somewhere between dependence and laziness. No, that’s not right. He makes me feel happy and safe and when we’re together, everything is ok. On top of that, I miss Dee a lot. I debate whether or not to talk to him every day. I should stop overthinking my feelings so much.