October 22, 2012

God am I stupid, Calvin likes some other girl. I should use my head sometime instead of my heart and then maybe I’ll find some balance. Today is a monday, and everything is feeling a little bit stronger and a little bit sweeter. I’m having a glass of merlot to close down this stupid day. When I grow up I want to learn a lot about wine but god if I tried I’d probably miss and just become a drunk instead. I’d love to cook too but I know I’d eat myself to death. If I became an artist I would coax myself into complete isolation, I’d live off saltines and booze. I can see myself now, poor and malnourished, all because I risked a stupid shot at fulfillment, but why? For what? Is there even a chance, or will I find a way to die slowly no matter what my fucking college major is? If I could have a penny for every life wasted searching for something that doesn’t exist, I bet I’d be rich as hell. But even then I’d still draw nooses on my skin, I’d still wake up every morning and curse the sun for rising again. Listen to me, talking like I know something! I’m still simple, god, I’ll always be a baby. What will happen to me when I can no longer dismiss my stupidity for my age? What on earth will I blame? I’ll crumble when it’s really me in the end, it’s going to be me, alone and in a dark room, god I’m scared shitless, I’m terrified but for now I’m young, so it’s okay, it’s okay for now. It’s just, I’m so stressed. I just want to find peace somewhere.

I have to admit (and it’s probably becoming obvious) that I am getting a little bit tipsy. Am I pretty? I can’t tell. I hope that I am, and I hope that I’m the type of pretty that’s a little bit weird, you know? Wow, I’ve written so much tonight! I think maybe Calvin was right, maybe I could be much happier if I let myself be. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were true? If my life’s quality was right there in front of me, mine for the taking. I want to find someone who will teach me something. Please teach me something soon, world!

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