May 7, 2012

It’s done. I never want to be there again. I need to stop smoking weed. I don’t think that I really can right now, though. I really feel that I couldn’t. It’s been weeks since I’ve gone a day without smoking. I’m high right now. I don’t know what I did today. I don’t know what I did this week, or last month. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t feel safe anymore. I can’t remember the last time that I did. I want so badly for someone to hold me while I cry. I want to go back to the brink of adolescence. I want to go back to before the medication and the hospital and the manipulation and self-loathing. I am my own remains.

I should ask my mom if we can move away. I can’t do it here. It’s awful, I have corrupted myself. I need the next chapter of my life to come quickly. I wish I could cease to exist until it came. People said to me, “why would you do that? You have such a bright future ahead of you,” but everyone seems to forget the dismal bridge that connects my future and I. The inbetween makes me want to dissolve, to never try at all.

I have accepted the idea that my life has entered a period of waiting. It may be the darkest part of my life. I do not understand it’s darkness yet. I feel as though I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. Summer obviously, but why the fuck should I care? Life is so predictable. I feel as though I have experienced all that this place has to offer, and that everything from now on will be a shadow of those experiences. All of this is flowing out of me so easily.

I don’t want to be fucked up. I want to be light and beautiful and happy. I need to be sober. Truly, this stage of my life requires a clear mind, I am so terribly confused. I want to go to Perpich, Duluth really will not have anything to offer me when my friends move away from home and have new experiences away from here. I need to look into that. I have had enough and it’s time for something new.

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