June 27, 2011 – CW: suicide

Today I went to a desert museum. It was really cook I mean cool. We went to an aviary of hummingbirds and another of endemic birds.

All my friends are losing their virginities. It feels like my life has been stripped of all its innocence. I want to feel the excitement of hearing about my friend’s first kiss, not that [redacted] had sex with [redacted] for five hours today. Everything is tainted now. How it would feel to be seven again and to go to the zoo with my dad and name all the prairie dogs. I’ll never feel pure or happy or whole.

I just can’t swallow this fact. Nothing will ever be the same. How will I ever feel home? I know I talk about this a lot… but after Daniel leaves I’m going to be scared of myself. I’m going to feel no beauty in myself or in anyone else. I think I will lose my will to live more than ever and I think I will kill myself. I’ve never really written of this with such realistic confidence? My negative side is purring at the thought and my positive side is frantic, because I know I need help but who could I even talk to? This topic is too familiar and it feels redundant to write about it now. I just don’t know what to do.

Last year, I had the most wonderful time at Parker’s cabin. We’re all going back this year, but I don’t want to. Last year everything was pure and all of the fun was organic. Nothing will be the same. It will be filled with drugs and alcohol and nothing will be the same. If I have to watch my childhood dissolve up close in my favorite place I’ll probably lose it.

Not to mention that everything about my childhood is fucked. I found out that [redacted]. So really, what is there to say? Everything that upsets me triggers a chain reaction that always brings me to the same thought. I’m sure it’s how I’ll go.

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