September 21, 2010

I feel bad cuz I haven’t written in a while. Feelings of depression are starting to sink back into those cracks in my mind. I think I’m going to be ok. I’m so sad that Daniel is moving away this summer. I’m going to miss him! Is that weird? We haven’t been friends long, but it feels like forever! He’s sooo good at guitar, it’s fuckin NUTS. I don’t like him or anything, but when he plays I wonder what it would be like to kiss him. YIKES!

I saw Dee last Sunday and it was so nice. I want to make him happy. I had my first guitar lesson today, it was really nice. I hope I catch on.

I’m having BIG problems. I don’t really know what I believe in right now. I know what I don’t believe in, it’s just… how can a human know the truth about what life really is? I just don’t get it. I have humbled myself. I decided that I am too small to have this figured out. Truthfully, nothing matters, and I don’t know if I give a fuck anymore.

If the purpose of my life is survival and reproduction, why bother? It’s too easy. If the purpose of my life is something more, what is it? I know there must be some higher power, it’s the only explanation. If there isn’t? Well then my hope is truly stranded. Thinking about my worthless time on this earth gives me such a pure, intense desire to die, it’s insane. The reason I don’t just pop a few hundred pills right now is because the people that love and need me, and because I want to have a clear head when I die, to get the full experience. A door, maybe, to things incomprehensible to those still ‘living’, if that’s what you want to call it.

I suppose all I can really do is sit back and enjoy the ride?

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