May 5, 2010

I want to stop hurting. I forgive him, it’s just… I need trust.

He has no idea what this has done to my self esteem. I gave my all, wasn’t that enough? Obviously not. I’ve cried for hours on end. How will I ever be able to be physical with him? I just don’t know if I’ll have the courage to trust him with my body. If he’s wanting to replace me with his stupid pictures and videos then he obviously doesn’t need me. But I need him, that’s the worst part. I will be the stronger one.

I have so much anger built up. Where do I go for a release?? I hardly know… anything anymore. I’ve never felt this way in my whole life. Did he break my heart? Perhaps it hurts this time more than last, because I haven’t done anything wrong. I just can’t say.

I know I deserve better. I could do ten times better than someone who willfully lies to me. But I love him so much that I cannot leave him with no motivation other than anger.

Damn it, anyways. Why did he have to ruin things like this? In a way, I feel like he cheated on me. I don’t care if anyone thinks I’m overreacting, because this is so out of character for him.

No matter how hard I try, I wouldn’t be able to stay angry. And it kills me, because I know I’m stuck. I’m glad, but if he isn’t stuck too? That would be devastating.

I want to marry him… I really do. I know that God has told me, and Dee, that we’re meant for each other. I just won’t let him pull this crap with me anymore.

We had a really long intense conversation last night… he asked me if I was an angel. I just laughed but he said he was serious.

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